My Children Are Teaching Me About Love

James is one of the sweetest and most easy going toddlers I have ever had the opportunity to know. So I was pretty nervous about his little brother arriving. I had seen and heard too many times about a sibling arriving and the older one gets jealous and acts out. I didn't want to see my sweet, tenderhearted boy, turn into a jealous or aggressive child.

In preparation for Connor's arrival, I researched how to make the transition easier. I bought a Thomas the Train Pillow that would be a gift from baby Connor when James came to meet him at the hospital. I bought big brother books, and I constantly talking about Connor, and James being a big brother. I constantly talked to James about Connor's room, and Connor's things. It was as if Connor was already a part of the family, he just wasn't physically there yet.

But James is only two, so still I worried. Worried that it wouldn't be enough, worried that Connor would arrive and James would be angry or sad about this little person intruding into his life. I worried that James would act out seeing another baby getting so much of 'his' mommy's attention. My anxiety over this issue was about as high as the anxiety of being a new parent was the first time.

So you can imagine my surprise, and my joy, when James immediately accepted Connor. It was as if Connor had always been there. He looked at his baby brother, and simply goes, "It's baby Connie!"

Over the past 3 weeks, don't get me wrong we've had a few moments where James got upset or acted out a little, but it wasn't about Connor--it was about mommy. Mommy not having as much time for James has been the only thing he struggled with. Almost daily I find James looking down at his baby brother, and I hear his little voice say, "I love you baby Connie." To see James then bend his little head and kiss his brother's forehead. It's something that warms my heart and soul. I worried so much about how James would accept this new little person into his life, and here James more than accepted him--but already loves him.

He loves to help when it comes to Connor, he brings Connor binkies, he throws away diapers or grabs blankets. And when Connor is fussy, I'll find James over at the Rock N Play, rocking his brother, telling him, "It's okay, Connie, it's okay."

The capacity a child has to love, should teach everyone a little something about love. To love so unconditionally, to look down at something that intruded into your life, but to love it anyways.

Then there's Connor himself. To arrive into the world, this big, cold and noisy world, and to look into the eyes of a stranger. But those eyes aren't too strange, they're also familiar. As if he gazed into them in another life. He looks into those eyes, and he trusts that person with his life. Trusts that person to take care of him completely. That is love. Love at first sight.

My children are teaching me about love, each one in a different way. It's a beautiful experience.

Welcoming Baby Connor

I am so excited to share the story of our journey to bring baby Connor into the world. I can honestly say it was a lot different experience than when I was in labor with James. With James I was terrified, I didn't know what to expect as far as labor, or pain, or even how it would all play out. Obviously, you end up with the baby, but I was completely unprepared for everythingin between 

With James I had a movie-like indicator that I was in labor, my water broke, and off to the hospital we went. But with him, after my water broke, two hours later I had not started contracting. So I was induced. My labor with James was hard, painful, and also traumatic. I came away from it with a beautiful baby boy, but I also came away with fear. Fear of medicine to relieve labor pain. I had gotten an epidural towards the end of my labor with James, and it nearly landed us both in the OR for an emergency cesarean. Luckily I had been ready to push, so we narrowly dodged that outcome. But it was terrifying that we had come that close.

Because of that, I wanted to approach my labor with Connor naturally, I wanted to do it without any pain management help.

At about 8:00 PM on the 9th of October I started having contractions, I had been contracting all day, but they had only been uncomfortable. Josh had gone to class like it was a normal Wednesday, and I had been hanging out at home with James. James and I watched cartoons and had dinner, it was just another night. I was certain labor would allude me for days to come, so when the contractions started getting painful enough at 8:00 that I felt maybe I should start timing them, I still wasn't convinced I was in labor. 

Josh got home from class and we started preparing for the next day, like it was any other day. But after an hour, I started to feel like we needed to call his parents. I was having to breathe through the contractions and they were about 4 minutes apart.

After talking to his parents, the contractions continued to get closer together and more intense. But still, I wasn't convinced it was labor. By the time Josh's parents were on the road to our house, my contractions were running about 2 to 3 minutes apart. I knew we'd be going in to the hospital that night, but I still wasn't convinced "it was time."

Josh was texting his mom as we got things ready to go, and about a half hour before Josh's parents could arrive, we realized we needed to head to the hospital right away. Not wanting to wake James up and have to take him with us, we had a friend of ours rush over to our house to hang out until Josh's parents arrived.

By the time our friend arrived, I could barely talk through my contractions, and I certainly couldn't walk through them. We made it to SAMMC in record time, even though I know Josh was trying not to speed. Once we got to the hospital we headed up to labor and delivery, I had called ahead so they were expecting us. By this point I was sure it was labor, braxton hicks certainly don't hurt like that! 

We got into triage, only to discover that my cervix was unchanged from earlier that morning when I had been checked at my OB appointment. I was discouraged, certainly I was in labor, the contractions were consistent and they hurt! Luckily, my contractions were consistent enough that the Doctor didn't want us to go home, but she couldn't admit me yet because I wasn't in what they considered "active labor" yet.

They sent us to walk the hospital for two hours, told us to come back after two hours and if I had made enough change they would admit me. So we walked, very slowly, lots of stops for me to lean against josh and breathe through a contraction. We did several sets of stairs. I was determined, they were not going to send us home! There was no way in hell I was going to let them send us home. That baby was coming out.

We walked, and walked, and it was the longest hour and a half of my life! By the time we reached an hour and a half I couldn't do much walking any more, so we decided to go back to Labor and Delivery earlier than the 2 hour mark.

The walk back to triage was incredibly slow, the receptionist who was escorting us kept asking if we wanted a wheelchair. I told her no, I would make it, and the walking was certainly going to be good. Not to mention, I hate wheelchairs.

We got back into triage and I took a moment to go try to use the restroom. Locked in there alone I lost it, I just cried. I didn't want to go home, I wanted it to be time. After collecting myself I got hooked back up to the monitors, baby still looked great, and that was comforting. But I was very nervous about what the doctor would say. If I hadn't made enough change they were going to send me walking again, or worse...send us home. 

The doctor came in and checked me. I had gone from 3 centimeters and 50% thinned, to 5 centimeters and 90% thinned! I had changed to exactly where the doctor had wanted me to be. When the doctor looked at me and told me I would be admitted, I cried. I just started crying. It was finally time, I was going to meet my baby!

They got us moved to my labor room, got me hooked back up to the monitors, my IV put in, and of course they started asking me a billion protocol questions, signing papers, all while I was trying to breathe through contractions. It was a very slow process... haha

I was a little disappointed, once again I was being confined to bed, just like I was when I was in labor with James. I knew this would make the labor longer, I wouldn't have gravity on my side to help bring the baby down. But you can't argue much with a military hospital, and I understood their reasoning to want to keep baby on the monitor.

So I was actually in labor, it was actually time to put in the hard work to meet our son. But I was miserable. I was trying my hardest to manage the pain on my own, I was trying to breathe breathe breathe, I was trying to distract myself. I had wanted to do it naturally, I had told myself I was going to do it naturally no matter what. But as I sat there trying to answer questions the nurse was asking me, squeezing the life out of my husbands hand, I realized I didn't want to do it that way. I didn't want to be in that much pain, I couldn't do it. My pain tolerance isn't that great, I wasn't even close to being done with labor and I was already at my maximum tolerance for pain.

Terrified, I looked to my husband for support. He knew my fear about an epidural, he knew thats the only reason I wanted to do a natural birth. I didn't want a natural birth because it was natural and empowering, I wanted a natural birth because I was terrified the epidural would do what it did last time... Drop my heart rate and the babies to the point where our lives were in danger.

The anesthesiologist had come in earlier and I had signed for the epidural just in case. After talking to Josh, admitting I couldn't do this naturally, admitting I wanted something to manage the pain, after being reassured by both Josh and his mom...I asked for the anesthesiologist to come back in. I told him I wanted to try the epidural again, but I told him what happened last time. I told him of my fears. He was confident though, confident that we could do the epidural and avoid the same situation that happened last time. He soothed some of my fears, but I was still a little leery. 

So I got the epidural, the anesthesiologist did a phenomenal job. He started it out ridiculously low, and we slowly increased it until I was pain free. All the while they watched my heart rate and baby's heart rate very closely. By the time my pain was gone, everything still looked beautiful. And I was so relieved, my pain was gone and baby and I were still okay.

Unfortunately I wasn't progressing on my own, so the doctor decided to break my bag of water to see if we could get things moving again. That did the trick, and after several rotations (turning me side to side) we were able to work the baby down. The next time the doctor came in to check me, I was complete. Conveniently enough though, this was right as the night shift was changing to the day shift. So we waited and waited for the next doctor to come in so I could push. The nurse told me to let her know if I started feeling any pressure. Well I was feeling pressure alright, and I told her, a little bit later I told her there was more. I was feeling the pressure even through my epidural. 

By the time the midwife arrived to see where baby was at, it was time, Connor was right there. They didn't have me sit up, I was laying there, but it was comfortable. The midwife told me to try pushing, so I did. After my second push, all the nurses and the midwife were shouting, "stop pushing, stop pushing: as they rushed to get out the tarp to catch baby. Connor was in quite a hurry to arrive. Two more pushes and he was out, screaming and wide eyed. I only pushed for 3 minutes, although technically my pushing did very little. The little guy was so anxious to arrive that he did most of the work.

He was finally there, screaming and beautiful. I held him against my chest, and I cried. He was perfect, and I was the happiest mama in the world. 

My birth experience this time was so beautiful, so wonderful. I would definitely say it was healing, It healed the trauma from my first birth, it empowered me, and I couldn't be happier with how it went. 

Natural births are beautiful, and I admire the women who manage them. A natural birth just wasn't something I could do, but I loved that even my pain managed birth could be just as empowering and beautiful. 

With love and light we are so happy to have our Connor finally here. Arriving at 7:57 AM on October 10th, weighing about 7lbs 11oz (we don't think that weight was entirely accurate as far as the ounces, but thats what their scale said), and reaching 19 inches in length. He is perfect <3

My Two Sons

I had the sudden urge to write a blog post today, it's been nearly a year since I last posted something. But today's thoughts are just too important not to write out and share.

I'm currently 30 weeks and 6 days pregnant with our second child. We hadn't planned on getting pregnant with our second until June or July of 2013, but there were other plans in our cards. The beginning of February, the very same night as the superbowl, we were enjoying our weekend and watching the game. I was 4 days late, but I had been late before, so I brushed it off. Well as that 4th late day went on, I started to get this 'funny' feeling. When I told Josh about it, he said we should wait at least another week before taking a pregnancy test. I looked at him like he was crazy, I could not wait a whole week!

Late that evening I had a friend pick my up a test on her way over, since she was already coming over to watch the game. It was agony waiting for her to show up, because as the hours went by with still no AF, I was starting to believe I actually might be pregnant. But that little voice in my head kept telling me, 'don't psyche yourself out, you'll only be disappointed when the test is negative.'

The test didn't even need to sit for the 3 minutes...Within seconds I had two very distinguished lines. I was shocked. My friend hugged me and was jumping up and down congratulating me, and I was just standing there flabbergasted. She stopped in her excitement long enough to remind me that I needed to tell Josh who was watching Half Time in the next room. As soon as I called his name, he knew.

Although I had been longing for another baby, the news came easier to Josh than it did to me. I had only just started to become myself again, taking up my hobbies and having some real fun. I wanted to be excited, I wanted to be happy about it, and I was, but I wasn't. And as the weeks went by and I started to feel sick, I couldn't help but wonder, "why now?"

I'll be honest, I was hoping it would be a girl, I could be excited about a girl. So when we had an early gender scan at 16 weeks and 3 days, and found out it was going to be another boy, I was sad at first. I say at first, because I realized something very important a few weeks later.

This is what this post is really for, not just to tell the story of us finding out about our second child, but more importantly, finding out that it would be another boy. That I would have TWO Friedman sons.

Genealogy has always been important to me, and I had known that Josh was the last Friedman son, that's one of the reasons I was so excited James came out a boy. Carrying on the family name was and is, so very important to me. But it wasn't until we watched the episode of Band of Brothers on HBO, the episode about the WWII concentration camps, that I realized just how big of a deal it is for me to have Friedman sons. Josh's grandfather was a navigator for the US military in WWII. Other than himself, Grandpa Friedman, all the other Friedman's lived in Germany at the time. Grandpa was the only Friedman that wasn't exterminated in a concentration camp. Grandpa being the only Friedman left, survived the war, even after being captured by Nazi's, married, and had children. But he only had one son, Josh's father. When Josh's father married, they had one son, Josh. For 3 generations the Friedman name has continued through only one individual at a time.

So I am very proud that our first child was born a son, and I am even more proud that I am able to give them yet another son in just a few months. History is important, and it lives on through our children. It makes me very happy that I get to be a part of rebuilding a family that could have been completely eradicated.

Yes, a girl would have been special too, but I couldn't be more ecstatic to be having another boy.

James's Newborn Photos

I was trying to put together a facebook cover collage, and became frantic when I searched and searched through my computer and could not find James's newborn photos. I searched Josh's computer, searched through our CD's looking for the CD copy. I looked for about two hours, and was about to break down crying, thinking I would have to contact Josh's sister and hope she still had copies. At the last moment, I remembered one other place the CD might be. Not only did I find his newborn CD but also the CD with my maternity pictures on it. My whole night took a turn for the best, and I couldn't have been happier. I recently posted some on facebook but they turned out a little small. I need to have these printed so I can put his baby photo album together. Here are my favorites in a little better quality than whats on facebook. It's hard to believe he was ever that little!

Look at his little sweet face! He still sleeps like this sometimes.

Little foot! Can't believe how big he's gotten since this was taken.

Josh was so worried he'd pee in his uniform. But I love this photo so
much. My little baby in his daddy's uniform. A little Friedman to
carry on his daddy's last name. Couldn't have been more perfect.

This one is my all time favorite. I love this little guy so much <3

I'm only a little over a year late on showing these, haha oh well, better late than never!

Lazy James

So I'm having a bit of a debbie downer day. I didn't sleep that well last night, and upon attempting a nap--I couldn't fall asleep. So I just feel like doing a little whining. Mostly I would like to whine about how lazy James can be. He's still not walking, we're not any closer to walking either. He cruises like there is no tomorrow, loves walking along walls, furniture, toys. Just about anything he can, he will stand up and walk around it. He doesn't even put much support on them anymore, but he will only move sideways. When it comes to getting him to walk forward, he won't hold your hands, and when he stands up holding onto your legs, if you move even slightly he plops down to the floor and throws a fit. Oh, and don't you dare say anything to him with the word 'walk' in it, I swear he gets super mad when he hears it. So it's not that he 'can't' walk, it's that he doesn't want to walk. It's super frustrating for me. As much as I want him to be my baby forever, I'd like for my little one to learn to walk since he's now 14 months. I though for sure he'd take advantage of the opportunity to walk while he stayed with Gran & Pa for a whole weekend....but nope. Nothing. I'm trying to be patient, but there is honestly nothing more I can do! He's got walking toys, but he refuses to use them to help him walk. It's James way or the high way.

James petting Kobe & trying his hardest to be nice.

Super wonderful, we might be hitting the terrible twos early. Or maybe it's just a toddler thing. But James now loves to hit. When you do something he does like, he'll smack you in the face. I would choose hitting over biting any day, but when you tell him NO he just laughs. It only becomes, not funny, when you put him down or walk away. The joy of having a toddler.

Well, I suppose I'm done whining for now.

Frustration

So I know it's been a while, I'm a terrible blogger. I'm brilliant at stalking other people's blogs, but usually have little ambition to update my own. However, I need somewhere to rant, and this seems like a great place. A part of me is hesitant to rant in public, but then the other part of me wants to just get it out there, I'm tired of keeping my feelings so secretive about this issue.

So it's been over a year since I stopped having anything to do with my mother, and I honestly have never been happier. It was such a good decision, both for my mental and physical health but also for my son's well being. Like a snake bite, in order to heal, you have to remove the poison. It's really no secret that I have very little love towards my mother, if any at all. I'm reaching the point where I just don't care anymore, which is good. I would rather feel nothing than be constantly angry.

However, in recent light of my trying to contact my supposed biological father a bit of my frustration has returned. Not knowing who your father is, or not knowing jack shit about him or his family is hell. Especially after having a kid. I get worried, what if there's some hereditary disease on his side that will just blind side us because I'm in the dark? What if there's something that affects me later in life, the unknown is terrible. I have no idea even if there is any birth defects on his side...

I tried writing him on facebook earlier in this month, which was a huge deal for me. Just getting the guts to do it was a lot. I've had his facebook and my half brothers' facebooks for over a year, and from time to time I would just go look at them. Trying to see a piece of me in one of them. The more I look at the recent picture of my bio father, the more I think he could have possibly fathered me. But then again who knows. That's the truly sick part, I could be bugging a complete stranger about something that's not even true. I don't know for certain that he's my bio father. My mom has lied about so many things, that I don't know whats true anymore. Sure, she told me since I was little that my dad's name was Ronnie Burl Lackey. I don't doubt she probably dated and fornicated with this man,  but how do I know that he's the one who provided the fertilization for me? I don't...and it sucks...

I'm not looking for a dad, I'm not looking or hoping he writes be back so he can fill that void. I just want to know the truth, I want to know if it's possible that my paternal side of the family doesn't have to be one big ugly question mark. I can't even imagine raising a child that had no idea about their dad. Up until my big sister found him on facebook, I didn't even have a clue what he looked like!

I was very little when I found out my bio father was a huge question mark, I still remember the words that resounded in my little head at the age of like 6? My mother trying to explain to a 6 year old, why Daddy didn't want her, why he didn't want her to visit him. Well surprise little 6 year old me, you're whole family fabrication was a bold face lie, and we're not sure who you're real daddy is! Not only are you the middle child, but now you're the only one without a father...

The whole thing just makes me so glad that my children will know without a doubt who their father is. I am so grateful that they will have two loving grand parents. I am so grateful for what Josh's family has done to welcome me into their family and replace the family I never really had. I am so happy with the life that I have built for myself, and the family my husband and I are building together. My past could have been worse, but it could have been a whole lot better...but it's the future that matters most to me now.

Ranting is done, thanks haha

Spontaneous Photo Op!

Today we had a pajama day, and James's pajamas are just so darn cute, and he's such a cutie, I really had no other choice but to photograph him! I just love this little dude to pieces, and I can't believe how big he is getting. He looks less and less like a baby every day, and more like a little man!

New addition :)

One the Sunday only a few days before leaving for Idaho to visit my big sister and her family, we had to put our baby Zero to sleep. He had been spiraling down in the last year, with repeated UTIs and Stones in his bladder, and we had reached a point where he was in enough pain it would have been selfish to keep him.

So we went to Idaho and had a wonderful time with the family, posts on that coming soon! When we got back though the balance in the house felt off, there was something missing. So that next day I went looking at shelters for our next addition. I found Kleo at an animal control in the next city over, she made an impression on me from the start. She was playful but very sweet and was such a pretty little girl. It was decided, we would adopt her and give her a good home. I named her Kleo (aka Kleopatra).

James is already such an animal lover he loves his kitties so much. He giggles and smiles at them, chases them down and tries to 'pet' them lol.

I really believe having animals is special to have in a home :)

Almost a Year!

It's so crazy to me, that Josh and I are going on a year being married. In only a few days, it'll be official. I have to say that I couldn't be happier. I have such a wonderful, loving husband. He's my rock, he's my world, he's my everything. A year ago as of Sunday the 5th, will mark the day that Josh and I decided to spend the rest of forever with each other. Our wedding was absolutely beautiful, and I am forever grateful to his parents for making that happen. If it hadn't been for them, I would have had a 2 minute wedding in front of a judge! Instead, I got to wear a beautiful white dress, Josh's mother did my hair, and I walked down the aisle to meet the man of my dreams at the alter. We were married, and a few months later we welcomed our first little one, James.

Josh and I had been talking about marriage for about a month before we found out we were pregnant. We have always been very open with each other, and had made a point to discuss situations that might arise in our relationship. From the start I told him, "If we get pregnant, I won't marry you just because I'm going to have your baby." It was important to me that we married for more than just a baby. I wanted to marry him for the love we shared, and the future we could create with each other. People who get married just because they're pregnant, is dumb to me. Yes, I believe its great to have a 'family' image for your baby. But you don't have to get married to do that.

When Josh and I found out we were pregnant, right before Christmas in 2010, we realized our relationship was headed into a long term place faster than we had anticipated. But just like always, we took it with stride. We talked for about a week or two about what was the best decision. At the time I was still using my mom's health insurance, and our first baby doctor appointment was a financial wake up call. To have a baby in a civillian (non military) hospital, along with all the baby visits before hand can cost anywhere from $3000 to $5000 dollars. Thats nuts!

Josh had just gotten out of the army, but he was retired, so he still got to keep his Tricare (military health insurance). It was at this time that Josh and I made a very grown up decision. We knew we didn't have to get married, but financially it would benefit us. We were already planning on getting married, we just weren't going to get married so soon. The baby just spend things up :P

So we got married, we had our little one. And we are such a wonderful family. I love my husband more than words can describe, and I love our baby boy even more. A family is a wonderful experience and blessing. I'm not a believer in God, and I'm not religious at all, but if anything could make someone wonder if there might be a higher power, it's giving birth. The incredible way my body can create and put together such a perfect little person is awe inspiring for sure.

Two years ago when I graduated high school, I didn't know where my life was headed. I wasn't really set on college, but I was going to go to community college because there was nothing else for me to do. I had no plans to live anywhere else to live but my mothers house, and I was miserable.

My big brother and his wife at the time came down for my graduation, and on a whim they asked me to come to San Antonio for a few days afterwards to visit. I jumped at the opportunity, and those few days is when I met Josh. From there, my brother asked me to come live with him to get out of my mom's house. I could live with him, work and figure out school. It wasn't a hard decision, and I honestly didn't even think long about it. All I knew, is that I had to get out of my mom's house. I was being suffocated there.

So I moved to San Antonio, and my future flashed before my eyes. My future was Josh, everything I needed, everything I could become was through him. He was the future I couldn't see before because I hadn't found him yet. In high school I could never picture my future. I couldn't see myself getting married, having kids or even going to college and having a career. Suddenly, meeting Josh and coming to love him, I saw a future that I wanted.

I would do it all again :)

I've never loved any one more. This love makes all the other times I thought I was in love look like puppy love, or infatuation. This is real love. This is love for the rest of my life and beyond. <3

Ate Green Beans & Like It!

Over the past month or so I have been periodically introducing baby food into James's diet. We took a little break from it over Christmas and New Years, but now we're back in gear! Today while we were enjoying a wonderful visit from Grandma and Grandpa, we tried some green beans for the second day. And today, maybe it was just showing off for Grandma and Grandpa, but James actually liked it! He was opening his mouth after swallowing every bite and wanting more. It was wonderful, and messy!

It's Been 5 Months Already

Today my little bundle of joy, is officially 5 months old. It's so hard for me to believe that it's been 5 months already. It feels like only yesterday he was just starting to smile, or just discovering his hands. And now our little one is grabbing toys all by himself and learning all about cause and effect. James has learned to pull his toy on his rocker recently to make it play If You're Happy and You Know it, well Josh also put on there his lion that makes jungle sounds. James has discovered he can pull them both at the same time, with one in each hand. It's quite an obnoxious orchestra to hear repeatedly, but James loves it.

James is growing so fast, he's become so much more interactive with his toys, simply over the matter of a few weeks. And in a matter of only a few more weeks I suspect we will have a very mobile baby. He's definitely going to have Josh and I on our toes.

Last night there was a beautiful sunset, and I just had to take pictures. I don't seem many gorgeous sunsets in Texas, like I did in Idaho. Texas sunsets will never beat the sunsetting in the mountains, but last night it came pretty close.

High School Is Over

Over the past few weeks I have slowly been coming to a realization that I'm not too pleased with. High School friendships just don't seem to last. It's true about the whole quote: 

"Some people are meant to stay in your life while others are just meant to make an appearance."

It's been almost 2 years since I graduated high school, and over those two years I have stopped talking to more and more people I knew when I was still in school. It was easy to make friends in high school, and it was also easy to be friends with just about anyone. After high school, especially because I didn't rush off to college, I haven't had much opportunity to make new friends. And I've never been incredibly good at makes friends to begin with. Well here I am, now almost 20 years old, and realizing, I don't really have any friends anymore. I have family, which is wonderful and great, but no friends. I have a few people that pop in everyone once in a while to see how I'm doing, but no one that really cares about whats going on in my day to day life. I'm not going to lie, I miss having a best friend, someone who would call me anytime they had some juicy news, or just needed someone to help them figure out what color to dye their hair. 

This is why yesterday, after finally deciding maybe it's time to move on, I deactivated my facebook account. Facebook makes it too easy, it takes all the effort out of being a friend. You don't have to remember their birthday, Facebook does it for you. You don't have to call them or text them to see whats going on in their life, it pops up in your news feed. So I got rid of mine. Now if someone really, sincerely, wants to be my friend, they're going to have to put effort into it. Like call me, or text me, and they're going to have to actually talk to me in order to find out whats going on in my life. And you know what, that talking might take an hour, but in return I'm going to ask them whats going on in their life, and actually listen. Because I care. Sometimes I think I care too much... 

I'm done trying to be someone's friend when I'm the only one who makes the effort. Friendships can't be one sided, just like a relationship can't be. I'm not going to make someone a priority in my life if I'm only a convenient option when the mood suits them.

I have a wonderful family, a loving husband and a beautiful son. I will be just fine. And I'm past the point of needing more than that to make me truly happy. 

Like I said, High School is over. If you want to keep friends, you have to try at it. But if they don't try back, then its just not meant to be. 

Not to mention, I spent WAY too much time on facebook, trolling other people's lives. Constantly looking at other people's lives is not the way to live. So I'm going to focus on my life, and how wonderful it is. I am one lucky woman, and I couldn't ask for a better life.

I took my situation from my home life, and I walked away, I bettered myself. I made myself happy. And once again, that's what I am doing. Walking away, to make myself happier. Because dwelling on the past isn't going to get me anywhere.

Nerds & Turds

Catchy title don't you think? I sure though so. Although its more about us being nerds than poo. Although let me tell you, there is plenty of poo to go around if anyone wants any.

So James is now almost 5 months old, he'll be 5 months in about a week. I can't believe that he's already almost halfway through his first year. He's getting so big too! Last weekend he had his very first head cold, and him and me both are still getting rid of the reminisce. We took him to the doctor right after we realized he had caught something (probably from all the family he was passed around to on Christmas), we also wanted to make sure the there was no threat of RSV, which can be extremely dangerous for babies under 6 months to get. Luckily, there were no signs that worried the doctors, and they told us a little saline in his nose and a bulb syringe to clean out his snot was about all we could do. We went and bought a humidifier for his room, so he'd be able to sleep a little better too. While we were at the doctor they did their usual naked weight, and our little chunky monkey now weighs 16.4 lbs! Good grief, at this rate, he'll be outgrowing the weight limit on his carseat by next month. He's such a happy baby though, all smiles and giggles. He now drinks 6 ounces of formula with a tablespoon of cereal in it every 4 to 5 hours. He is sleeping 12 hours at night, from 8 to 8. It's wonderful. And in the mornings I love going to get him, because he wakes up and starts talking to himself and eating his hands. And I get up, make his bottle, grab his reflux medicine, and then go in there to open the blinds and turn off his white noise. And the first thing he does when he sees me is smile a big old grin! Sure warms my heart and make it exciting to wake up every morning just to see my little boys handsome face.

He's an angel when sleeping. Love this boy so much!

We had a wonderful Christmas this year, it was great sharing it with family. James got totally spoiled! But he's too young to know it, so it's okay. We spent the weekend in Austin with Josh's parents. I absolutely love spending time with them, we always have such a good time, and James absolutely adores his Gran and Grandpa. I was really excited, because this year Tami (Josh's mom), helped me make Christmas sugar cookies! I got to cut them out and frost them, and thats something I haven't done since I was a little girl. I can't wait till next year, we're going to make gingerbread houses, which is something else I haven't done since I was little. We were going to read James "The Night Before Christmas" before he went to bed on Christmas Eve, because we want to make that a tradition, but the poor guy was so tired! So we ended up having to skip it. But we'll definitely do it next year.

Mommy & James on Christmas Eve

Christmas morning opening presents

The 3 of us, in our PJs!

Love my family <3

James got so much cool stuff!

Daddy & Son

Such a handsome boy :D

I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful family. James is such a good baby, and I love that kid to pieces. I never knew what it was like to love someone so much I would jump in front of a bullet for them, and now I do. I'd do anything for my little man. He warms my heart and brightens my day every day. Motherhood is a beautiful and rewarding thing. I couldn't imagine ever doing anything to hurt my baby. I am so blessed to know that James has a wonderful daddy and loving grandparents. He has everything I never had, and I am excited that I can give him that and more. He's such a lucky little boy, and I am a lucky woman to have him as my son. 

On another note, Josh and I decided to turn our office into a play room. Our house just isn't big enough for all of James's toys to be scattered, it makes it feel very cluttered. So after seeing his big sister's playroom for Olivia, it was decided. So we had to have AT&T come out and move our internet to our bedroom so that we could still do our online gaming, and then yesterday I set about moving all our office stuff in. I must say, I love the new setup. Though I'm super sore today from all the physical activity :P

 It's very nerdy, as you can see. Josh loves that he now has his own little corner. I have yet to move all my books in, that's my project for today. I'm hoping they all fit, I got rid of a good number, but then I eliminated one of my book shelves, so cross your fingers that they will all fit! Its funny that there is so much stuff in our room now, yet it still feels bigger than it used to. We moved the bed to a different wall, and it was like we magically had room for so many activities! LOL. I guess the way the room is designed the bed is supposed to go on the wall with the two outlets that are so conveniently placed a queen size bed apart ;)

I feel so lucky to have a house, Josh and I are still so young, yet we have a house, and I am able to stay at home and be a mother to our baby. I love it so completely. At first it was hard to adjust to being the house mom, but now I actually get a great amount of satisfaction out of cleaning it up and reorganizing it and taking care of our little boy. I never used to see myself as the house mom type, but now I think when the time comes for me to go back to school, it'll be tough for me to do so.

Well thats all for now, I'm tired of typing. But I think I caught you all up to speed. I'm such a slacker at blogging :P I'd say I'll try to post more, but it most likely won't happen so I won't promise that. Ta Ta For now!

The Past 3 Months

So much has happened in the past 3 months, and I have been a terrible blogger about it :P So I'm here now to update you!

James is not 3 months and 3 weeks old, he'll be 4 months this coming Saturday. Boy does time fly.
Over the past 3 months, James has learned to smile, and there rarely isn't a smile on his cute little face. He recently learned to giggle, and it's probably the most infectious sound in the world. He's gotten quite a bit bigger as well since he exited my womb. He now weighs about 14 or 15 pounds. And he's around 24 or 25 inches long. He goes in for his 4 month check up in a week or two and I'll get the definite then. He gets the hiccups all the time, just like his mommy. He doesn't mind them at first but after 20 minutes with them he starts to get mad which results in fussiness. He loves to sit on mommy or daddy's lap and watch what ever we're doing, whether its tv, or the computer. He is a food machine, eating about every 2 hours, and eating 4 to 6 ounces every time. He is such a good sleeper though, sleeping 8 to 9 hours at night. However, he's still being swaddled so once we stop swaddling him in the next couple weeks his sleeping might change until he gets used to having his arms free. I absolutely love this kid to death, I would do anything for him. I never imagined I could whole heartedly love someone so much, even more than I love Josh ;) It's a different kind of love though. My little chunk is such a bundle of happiness, but he's growing so fast! I wish it would slow down just a little. He's already sleeping in 6 month footy pajamas.

My little monster loves to cuddle, and I am sure taking advantage of it now, because in a while he won't want to cuddle he'll want to play. He's my nap buddy, I don't get naps usually, so sometimes when he really needs a nap I'll take him to my bed and we'll snuggle up together and he'll fall right to sleep. He sleeps in his own bed at night though, there just isn't enough room for 3 people in our bed at night ;)

We recently had the pleasure of having my big brother Matt home to our house from Afghanistan. He spent two weeks with us, and it was great but it was also crazy. My brother is at a whole different speed than me, I'm a chill little homebody, and he's a "lets drink and barbecue and invite people over"- butterfly type person. While he was here we had lots of barbecues and lots of fun. But by the end of the two weeks I was exhausted! It was great though, he got to spend Thanksgiving with us. For Thanksgiving we went and spent it with Josh's family. We had two Thanksgivings in one day, one was at Josh's sister Chelsea's house with her in-laws and the other one was at a family friend's house where it was a little more chill. James by the end though was so exhausted from being overstimulated. When we got home from Austin after those few days, James literally slept the whole next day. Poor guy was so tired.

There is probably a lot more I'm missing from the past 3 months, but for now this will have to do. I'll come back and think of more I'm sure of it. For now though, that's the update.

Stay tuned :)

Our New Arrival

It's been over a month since I posted anything, shame on me :P Probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was so very pregnant sitting in a computer chair for long was killer. But here I am now, once again at the computer and with some wonderful news! Our sweet baby James decided to finally arrive! I went into labor at 4:50 a.m. on Saturday, August 13th, 2011 when my water broke. And can I just tell you, the movies deceive you, when you're water breaks its not just a big gush and then you're fine and dandy. No, that stuff keeps gushing. I rode all the way to the hospital with a towel between my legs.

We arrived to the hospital, and so far I wasn't really experiencing any other signs of active labor, my water just kept gushing. When we arrived we got up stairs to Labor & Delivery and what do you know, the hospital had just entered a Code Pink, and the doors were locked! We couldn't be allowed in until the Code Pink was over. Code Pink is when one of the security bracelets on the babies gets messed with, it's to keep people from walking off with a baby that isn't theirs or isn't ready to leave the hospital. So while this Code Pink was going on I sat outside the door in a wheel chair just soaking this towel and my pajama shorts. Thank goodness I wasn't in any pain or I would have been mega cranky. Since I wasn't in any pain I just kept laughing (laughing to keep away my nervousness).

We finally were allowed in, the Code Pink only took about 15 minutes, and they whisked me away to Triage where they checked out the goods. Made sure I was truly leaking amniotic fluid (which was a mega duh for me, but they have to check). Once they determined that my water had indeed broken, they admitted me to the hospital. They had to put an IV in me. Well the tech who was doing my IV tried to put it in the side of my left wrist and blew my vein. This is the lovely bruise that I now have as the result of that:

So after blowing that vein the lady moved and put the IV into my other wrist, but it was right in the side of my wrist and made it hard to do anything with my right hand. So once I was moved into my labor room I requested that they move it to a spot higher up my arm. Boy was that the best decision I could have made! The tech who moved my IV did a great job, it didn't hurt and she put it far enough up my left arm that I hardly knew it was there.

So I ended up being in labor for a total of 13 hours. I toughed through the contractions without any pain meds up until about noon, and then I requested some IV medication. They gave me something and it didn't take the pain away but it made me very sleeping. So baby and I both got a little break for a bit and I took a nice nap. It was crazy, it was definitely a drugged sleep because after the initial pass out, I started to become aware of things, i could hear what people were saying in the room, and could breath my way through my contractions, but I couldn't open my eyes nor could I respond to anything.

Once that medication wore off I came back and my contractions were getting stronger. To the point of tears. So it was I think around 4? maybe closer to 5? that I finally requested an epidural. Sitting for the epidural was the most painful thing in the world, when your body is contracting to push a baby against your cervix it is not meant to sit in an upright hunched over position. Once the epidural was in and taking affect though I felt great. Little did I know though, the epidural was set to high. All I noticed was suddenly a bunch of people started coming in the room and they kept taking my blood pressure over and over again. Apparently my blood pressure had gone from a normal 120/80 (just a random normal blood pressure I don't know the exacts) to suddenly that 80 side of the blood pressure dropping to 19. I should have even been conscious. Granted I was very out of it, and had no idea what was going on. It was at this point the baby's heart rate dropped too, and they were only minutes away from rushing me to the OR for an emergency C-Section. Luckily though they checked my cervix at that point and baby was right there, ready to come out. So they turned down the epidural, which made my blood pressure come back up, and I began pushing.

At 6:09 p.m. my little one came into the world screaming, with eyes wide open. He was perfect, absolutely beautiful and stole my heart right then and there. My first reaction when they put him on my tummy to towel him off was to burst into tears. I had never in my life seen something more beautiful than my little baby boy.

We were in the hospital till Monday afternoon, and boy were we glad to leave. There was very little sleep to be had in the hospital, even when baby was sleeping a doctor or a nurse was coming in every ten minutes to talk to me or check my vitals or check baby's vitals. So once we finally got home and could relax a bit it all seemed to just work. Yes, baby's are fussy and there still isn't much sleep to be had, but it's all sorts of wonderful and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Every day I love this little guy more and more, I am one proud mamma.