So I know it's been a while, I'm a terrible blogger. I'm brilliant at stalking other people's blogs, but usually have little ambition to update my own. However, I need somewhere to rant, and this seems like a great place. A part of me is hesitant to rant in public, but then the other part of me wants to just get it out there, I'm tired of keeping my feelings so secretive about this issue.
So it's been over a year since I stopped having anything to do with my mother, and I honestly have never been happier. It was such a good decision, both for my mental and physical health but also for my son's well being. Like a snake bite, in order to heal, you have to remove the poison. It's really no secret that I have very little love towards my mother, if any at all. I'm reaching the point where I just don't care anymore, which is good. I would rather feel nothing than be constantly angry.
However, in recent light of my trying to contact my supposed biological father a bit of my frustration has returned. Not knowing who your father is, or not knowing jack shit about him or his family is hell. Especially after having a kid. I get worried, what if there's some hereditary disease on his side that will just blind side us because I'm in the dark? What if there's something that affects me later in life, the unknown is terrible. I have no idea even if there is any birth defects on his side...
I tried writing him on facebook earlier in this month, which was a huge deal for me. Just getting the guts to do it was a lot. I've had his facebook and my half brothers' facebooks for over a year, and from time to time I would just go look at them. Trying to see a piece of me in one of them. The more I look at the recent picture of my bio father, the more I think he could have possibly fathered me. But then again who knows. That's the truly sick part, I could be bugging a complete stranger about something that's not even true. I don't know for certain that he's my bio father. My mom has lied about so many things, that I don't know whats true anymore. Sure, she told me since I was little that my dad's name was Ronnie Burl Lackey. I don't doubt she probably dated and fornicated with this man, but how do I know that he's the one who provided the fertilization for me? I don't...and it sucks...
I'm not looking for a dad, I'm not looking or hoping he writes be back so he can fill that void. I just want to know the truth, I want to know if it's possible that my paternal side of the family doesn't have to be one big ugly question mark. I can't even imagine raising a child that had no idea about their dad. Up until my big sister found him on facebook, I didn't even have a clue what he looked like!
I was very little when I found out my bio father was a huge question mark, I still remember the words that resounded in my little head at the age of like 6? My mother trying to explain to a 6 year old, why Daddy didn't want her, why he didn't want her to visit him. Well surprise little 6 year old me, you're whole family fabrication was a bold face lie, and we're not sure who you're real daddy is! Not only are you the middle child, but now you're the only one without a father...
The whole thing just makes me so glad that my children will know without a doubt who their father is. I am so grateful that they will have two loving grand parents. I am so grateful for what Josh's family has done to welcome me into their family and replace the family I never really had. I am so happy with the life that I have built for myself, and the family my husband and I are building together. My past could have been worse, but it could have been a whole lot better...but it's the future that matters most to me now.
Ranting is done, thanks haha
